Meanie

Have you ever been an asshole?

I have

You know, making folks feel bad

And not caring or giving two you-know-what’s

While you’re doing it

I don’t think I’ve ever done it on purpose

But I have done it

I made some people question their choices

Caused others to think they’ve done something horrible to me

Made the rest wonder why they even chose to say hello in the first place

But again, it isn’t on purpose

I try to be nice

Well, nicer

Lately

But with a certain sense of confidence now

You see, some time ago

I used to want everyone to like me

Men, Women, Children, newborns, fetuses

I mean EVERY one

I sought after their approval

Wanted to make them smile

Brighten up their day

But I realized

I couldn’t do it

Not all the time anyway

I couldn’t meet everyone’s approval

I don’t think I’m meant to

Once I realized this

I stopped worrying

I quit agonizing

I ceased the over-thinking

And I just lived

My

Life

The way I wanted to

The way that made me feel at least half how I was supposed to

Be living it

I please some people

I don’t please others

The rest may be plotting my death as I write this

But hey, that’s life right?

That

Is

Life

Nowadays, the only people who I seek approval from

Are the ones that matter the most to me

I still don’t always make them happy either

As a matter of a fact

I can make their feelings Cringe sometimes

With only my words

And

Not

Even

Realize

It

The difference between hurting these people and hurting others

Nowadays

I actually feel bad

Like really, really bad

Horrible

So as I grow, mature

And try to be brave enough to not hold onto the handrails during this

Rollercoaster ride that we call life

I will try to own up to my mistakes

If I have hurt you, ever

And you matter to me (these people know who they are)

I say this

To you

I’m Sorry

"Thash" Decision

So I think I’ve managed to hit a cross roads. Not just any form of cross roads but the type of cross roads you encounter when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object.  That special kind of epiphany which causes you to possibly rethink even your most well put together and carefully crafted thoughts.  Now I hit this crossroads about a month a half ago when I was visited by a friend.  A friend that I have had a crush on for quite some time.  Just over 3 years to be exact.  Yes, many people feel that after one manages to exit the unfriendly confines of High School, scenarios that include having crushes should cease and completely disappear.  These same scenarios should especially never come attached with the notion that one would go over three long years and not say anything to this person.  Well many people don’t know exactly what the situation was three years ago that might have prevented this crush from being acted upon.  Then among those same many people who do know, they probably wouldn’t understand. 

So as not to completely bore you with the ins and outs of life’s trials & tribulations, which all of you have probably stumbled upon at some point in your own, we’ll just say that this crush wasn’t acted upon due to “circumstances”.   If that isn’t enough of an explanation for you, then I’m quite sorry because that is all that you are going to get.  During your child years, you learn than imagination is probably the best means of entertainment you can have. So I simply suggest that you pull that same imagination out of the attic in your head, dust off the cobwebs and use it to make those “circumstances” I was speaking about before become anything you would like them to be.  Thank you.

Now that I’m finished aimlessly carrying on about circumstances and imagination, I’ll attempt to get to my point.  Like I stated before, I hit a crossroads about a month and half ago when a certain friend came to visit me.  Having had gone through said “circumstances”, I had come to my own conclusion regarding the opposite sex and formulated my own personal theory on them.  I’ll also spare you the specifics of that very genius theory as to not spark any debates.  Regardless of what the theory was, it was proven during that visit that there was an exception to it.  If you haven’t figured it out just yet, my friend was the exception.  The lone and sole exception to something I felt I had created so well it couldn’t possibly have any leaks, any air holes, flaws, weaknesses, whatever you want to call it.  But she managed to find the smallest of cracks, the miniscule of chinks in the armor and here’s the craziest part; she did it without even trying.  She didn’t even know she was doing it.  Heck, I didn’t know that she was doing it.  Not until it was already too late.